I may be known for being a bit of a ditz but I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. There were so many things I’d never experienced before: weird cramps in my legs; the most awful insomnia and tiredness (thank goodness I wasn’t working at the time) craving certain foods and then not being able to eat more than a few bites; nausea; rock hard boobs that made me question whether I’d had silicon implants whilst being under the influence.
But the biggest give away was that my period was late.
Now my periods have always been the most awful, uncomfortable, painful thing ever. When people talk about child birth being a difficult experience, I already I have a pretty good idea. In fact my period pains used to knock me out faster than any anaesthetic could.
But the one thing about my periods are that they’re never late. They’re either bang on time like an unwelcome visitor or they’re very early like an unwelcome, annoying visitor. But they’re never late. I’m the one that’s late – for everything. I was three-quarters of an hour late for our wedding much to the fury of Father Brian who either didn’t understand or didn’t care about the tradition of the bride being late. Now if we were talking about my menstrual cycle, that would have arrived to the church on time!
That NYE, as we congregated in the street with all the other revellers and kissed as the clock struck midnight, we just knew we weren’t a twosome – we were three! But I didn’t take the test until two days later – and the little line just yelled out to us that mini Bliss or Techster was on their way.
I was way too stunned to believe it – despite all the numerous signs. Could I really be pregnant so soon after our wedding? We hadn’t even managed to work our way through all the cake and Junior had arrived in record time. I would have felt incredibly blessed if I wasn’t in a state of shock. But as dazed as I was, there was no question as to whether I wanted this baby or not. Hell yes I did!
It was then that Techster decided we should move to be closer to my family, as his were scattered all over the world, and he was adamant that our baby would grow up surrounded by family. So we made plans to move. I was going to leave first while Techster would stay to sort things out.
It was supposed to be the beginning of something wonderful. But instead we were plunged into a nightmare. Just four weeks and three days after I moved, I was rushed to hospital with severe pains and bleeding. Because I was less than three months pregnant I hadn’t told my family (telling my mum would have been the equivalent of tweeting about it!) so the first they knew I was pregnant was when Dad had to bundle me into the back of the car with my sis, bro and mum and speed off to the hospital.
There are so many things about that night I want to forget: the extreme pain; my mum and sis rowing in the waiting room about whose fault it was; the constant throwing up because of the pain before passing out; being laid out in the waiting room because I couldn’t sit up; the callousness of hospital staff who despite seeing my physical state and the distress I was in, did f*** all and made me wait my turn. And when my turn came and my name was called, the bleeding intensified and I knew it was too late…
I actually lost the baby at home… and that’s something I just can’t go in to. there are no words to describe that moment.
When Techster finally arrived, we tried to rebuild our lives but things got worse before they got better. I’ve heard of women losing babies my whole life but it’s only when it happens to you… it’s only then that you totally understand the devastation.
That was my first and only pregnancy. I couldn’t face that disappointment again so I didn’t even attempt to try again…
…until now.
Make Me A Mama! 